The Subtle Art of Repair: A State Specific Approach to Conflict
REPAIR BEGINS IN THE BODY BEFORE IT REACHES THE WORDS
Not all conflict stems from miscommunication — some begins with misattunement in the nervous system.
Before we can reach for understanding, we must first return to Regulation. The body needs to feel safe enough to connect, safe enough to listen, and safe enough to stay present. Conflict resolution is often taught as a communication skill, but it’s equally a regulation skill.
This guide explores what repair looks like in each nervous system state — and how to gently support yourself or someone else toward reconnection, one step at a time.
In Regulation (Ventral) — Repair Is Rooted in Presence
When you're in a state of Regulation, repair comes naturally. You’re open to nuance and able to stay engaged without becoming defensive.
- Core experience: Calm, empathy, willingness
- Purpose of repair: Reconnect with clarity and care
- Examples: Open conversation, reflective listening, mutual eye contact
- Supportive practice: Ask the other person, “Is now a good time to talk?” Stay grounded in your body while listening. Notice when you start to constrict and come back to breath.
In Activation (Sympathetic) — Repair Begins With the Body
In Activation, your system wants to argue or escape. You may feel misunderstood, impatient or urgently reactive. This is not the moment to push for a solution.
- Core experience: Agitation, urgency, defensiveness
- Purpose of repair: Discharge tension and slow the pace
- Examples: Walking before talking, orienting to the environment, physical distance to downshift
- Supportive practice: Take a movement break or a few rounds of breath before re-entering the conversation. Speak slower than you want to. Let your system catch up.
In Depletion (Dorsal) — Repair Requires Gentle Reentry
When you're in Depletion, it’s hard to even approach repair. You may feel shut down, numb or disconnected. The system is in retreat — not because you don’t care, but because connection feels out of reach.
- Core experience: Withdrawal, disconnection, fatigue
- Purpose of repair: Rebuild internal safety first
- Examples: Writing before speaking, brief reconnection touchpoints, low-stakes interaction
- Supportive practice: Don’t force emotional expression. Begin with presence — sitting near someone, sending a message, holding a warm object. Repair can begin silently.
In Overload (Freeze) — Repair Needs Containment
In Overload, everything feels too much. Words might spill out or shut down entirely. Emotions are intense but directionless. This is a moment to simplify, not process.
- Core experience: Flooding, overwhelm, confusion
- Purpose of repair: Regulate emotional intensity before resolution
- Examples: Short check-ins, agreed pauses, sensory grounding
- Supportive practice: Use a grounding object or repeat a simple phrase (“I am safe”). If repair must wait, say, “I care about this and want to return to it when I’m more grounded.”
REPAIR IS A NERVOUS SYSTEM PRACTICE
Repair isn’t just about finding the right words — it’s about finding the right state. When your system is regulated enough to stay present with discomfort, resolution becomes possible. Sometimes that means pausing. Sometimes that means tending to your body before tending to the conversation. And sometimes, repair begins with you.
This is the subtle art of returning — not just to the other person, but to yourself.
WHERE TO START
Use The statechanged Method Workbook to explore your relational patterns and identify your repair tendencies in each state.
Take the Free Nervous System Assessment Quiz to learn which states you move through most often.
Explore our Digital Downloads for somatic scripts, boundary templates and repair prompts.